I just got home from my mission a short time ago. I had a very unique mission to say the least. I saw whole villages get baptized, and I saw many miracles.
I didn't feel that my homecoming talk was enough of an outlet for me. I love these stories I have, and I want to tell them. I want people to know what happened, not because I was great, but the miracles the Lord showed to me.
A good friend suggested I write a book. I'm not the best writer, but I've started writing several times. Every time I read over what I've written, I become disgusted and start over. I've made another attempt, and I'm not sure if it's okay or not. I was wondering, could you read it and give me feedback?
If you think it's terrible, or if you just think it wouldn't do well as a book, that's fine, I have other formats I could use. I just don't know if it's something people would like to read or not. I haven't gotten into the real stories yet, but I just want to know, is the writing style 1) Inviting 2) Easy to read and follow.
Thanks in advance. PS, people who aren't Mormon can help too, but because it's a Mormon story, I figured it would be better for them to read. Thanks again.
NOTE: On the website, the names and places have been changed.
http://www.missionstory.webs.com/ -- this is the link to the story
PPS I know it is slightly redundant, I will edit that
@ The eye of omen
Fair enough, why was that a turnoff?
@ Got Proof
I'm sorry if some missionaries have been annoying or rude, they are young, after all. But really, most people where I was liked us.
Well tr av...
Thanks! I really appreciate it... I think that was the problem, the details. And, you noticed I talked a lot about the checklist, I did that because I was trying to show my faulty logic, that's how I believed until I realized my success had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my Father. Thank you for the help!
Why don't you leave people alone and let them believe what they want to believe? How would you like it if people from other countries moved into your neighborhood and tried to get you to join their religion?
As a writer, my comment would be that it's long on trivial details and short on substance. Taking 8-10 paragraphs to describe in intimate detail how long it took you to get out of bed one morning is, well, sizable. Put details where they're appropriate, and move the story along when they're not.
As an ex-missionary (and former Mormon), while I can appreciate the hard work you put in, the kind of backwards trying to fit your "success" to checklists and goals seems extremely unemotional and cold.
I would suggest focusing on the emotional highs (for both you and your 'converts') more, and on checklists, strategies, and planning less. Do you really want people to think that conversion is about checklists, and not an emotional/spiritual experience? That's how it comes across...
It seems to me, after reading your story, that you have a lot to get off your chest from your mission. Whether you call it your best to years or not, all missions are a very stressful two years. I served in Japan and I feel your pain about the lack of any success despite your best efforts.
I think you should keep writing your story, and just write down everything that has happened to you during the past two years. Don't worry about if others will like it or if you are going to publish it or not. Use the time to write your story as a sort of self-therapy to help you talk about everything that you feel you need to talk about.
If you want to write a faith promoting story, have you thought of writing an article for the Ensign? You could narrow down your success stories and discuss the highlights of the story without all the details.
What you have written so far sounds like you were very focused on yourself during that time period, and didn't really want to help others as much as you wanted to fulfill your dream of being a great missionary. If anything it would shine a bad light on how many missionaries really look at their job as a missionary. It's all about numbers and about the missionary feeling validated.
If you want people to be in awe at the miracles you say you saw, then just focusing on the miracles part without all the extra details would have the best effect IMHO.
ask around if any of your friends know someone who is a writer and would be willing to ghostwrite your stories. That way you can tell them the details and they can put it down in a way that will draw readers in.
Tell the WHOLE truth. Maybe that's what's nagging you? Tell about how you give shiny new things to children that don't have them, and get them to say a few things and become Mormons, then finally give them their prizes.
Mormons, I need a little help, what do you think?
